


Pithecophobia

by maddiebug



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Gen, Mari Nino and Kim are bros, background marinette panicking about identities, fake fear of monkeys, kim is afraid of monkeys, kim is an icon, kim is pure of heart but dumb of ass, kim pretends to be afraid of monkeys, monkeys are terrifying, this is wild and crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddiebug/pseuds/maddiebug
Summary: Pithecophobia(from Greek pithekos, "ape", "monkey") is the fear of apes and monkeys. Sufferers are afraid that apes or monkeys can come and attack them, so they would limit outdoors....Kim has an irrational fear of monkeys: every time anyone mentions a monkey, he runs away and hides. The entire class knows this, and uses code words, like  "our primate friends" so that they don't accidentally scare kim.Aka the story of how Kim managed to convince everyone that he was definitely not king monkey there's no way that would be possible.
Relationships: Alix Kubdel & Lê Chiến Kim
Comments: 16
Kudos: 70





	Pithecophobia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ellipsis_DotDotDot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellipsis_DotDotDot/gifts).



> This was inspired by a long comment thread on my work [ One Massive Cover-up ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26467471) which I would highly recommend if you want something cracky that accidentally grew from a one-shot into 15 chapter with a subplot about plagg blackmailing everyone to get obscene amounts of cheese.

Often, people's earliest memories are vague, muted glimpses of a last they cannot recall. A fleeting image from their youngest era. 

They usually have few details, as the human mind has not reached it's full potential at such an age. Vague are these earliest memories, that get fuzzy and distorted as time goes by. 

But not for Kim.

Kim's earliest memory is crystal clear as the day he first dreamt it.

He was only five at the time, and had frequent vivid dreams. Kim would see the characters from a tv show or movie in his dreams, going on the dream journey with him.

Unfortunately, earlier on this particular day, Kim had watched an old movie with his friends Marinette and Nino. They always hung out together after school, while their parent's worked.

The Wizard of Oz is a classic, but the terrifying winged monkeys that plague the nightmares of small children are not. 

When Kim saw the monkeys on screen, he started crying, and they had to choose a different movie. Marinette chose Jumangi.

She had conveniently forgotten about the cgi monkeys that escape the game and trash the kitchen halfway through the movie. 

Kim was startled by the new wave of wing-less, computer generated monkeys, and the tears that had only just dried up began again.

Thats when movie time was over. 

Marinette and Nino teased Kim about being afraid of monkeys, but they didn't push the issue anymore. They also chose to avoid any media that might have a monkey, like the tv show Dora. Instead, they let him choose the game they would play together. 

Needless to say, Kim's choice of Mariokart went surprisingly well, but he noticed Donkey Kong.

Then the floodworks opened.

Eventually Kim's parents picked him up and he went home. Safe from all of the monkeys. 

(On the drive home, they passed by the zoo and his heart rate sped up a bit)

Kim got home, and went to sleep and had the weirdest dream of his life.

Every monkey that he had ever seen, from Donkey Kong to the orangutans at the zoo,flashed before his eyes. In his dream they were in a mob, surrounding him, following him. Echoing in his brain was teasing voices.

"Haha, you're afraid of monkeys." 

"Only babies are afraid of monkeys. You're not a baby, are you?"

As Dream Kim was about to get tackled by Dream Monkeys, he was ready to admit that he was afraid, for the first and last time of his entire life. 

He blinked hard, opened his eyes, and they were gone. Nothing.

He was in control of his dream.

"I'm not afraid of monkeys." He whispered to himself.

The words bounced nicely. Kim was the strongest kid in the class. He wasn't afraid of anything. 

Especially not some little monkeys. 

He was going to show up to school the next day and talk all about monkeys, and-

The emptiness of Kim's dream was interrupted by a pink-haired woman with bunny ears. "But what if you were afraid of monkeys?"

Kim crossed his arms. "I am not. Monkeys are afraid of me."

"Okay, but what if you pretended to be afraid of monkeys?"

"Why would I do that?"

She sighed. "You know what superheroes, are, right?"

"Yeah! Batman is a superhero."

"There are better examples, but sure. Yes. Batman. Does he let anyone know his secret?"

"No, of course not."

"You should keep it a secret that you don't fear monkeys."

"Really?" Kim scratched his brain.

"Yeah, in fact, you should pretend to be completely terrified of monkeys."

"Okay. Why?"

"Why not."

Kim blinked. "I never thought of it that way. Ill tell everyone that I'm afraid of monkeys."

"Awesome. That was easier than I thought."

"If I tell everyone that I'm afraid of monkeys, ill become like Batman?"

"Not exactly." She facepalmed. 

"I want to be like batman." Kim crossed his arms. 

"I can't. But eventually, you will be."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. As long as you pretend to be afraid of monkeys, you will someday be just like batman. Except a monkey man."

"Why would I be monkey man if I'm afraid of monkeys?"

"Its the perfect alibi."

The bunny-eared lady jumped in a portal and that was the last kim saw of her. And then he woke up from his dream, remembering every detail.

The monkeys attacked him, and he won the fight.

But more importantly, if he pretended to be afraid of monkeys, he would become a superhero. 

Someday.

And in that moment, Kim vowed to pretend to be afraid of monkeys, no matter the cost. 

...

The next day, Kim went to school, and Marinette and Nino told the entire class that he was afraid of monkeys. 

They made Nathaniel hide his monkey-themed lunch box. Max covered up the image on the "M," page of the encyclopedia. 

The sock-monkey that Ivan kept in his desk, was placed in his backpack, and he promised to leave it at home. 

All copies of the "Curious George" series were given to other classrooms.

Every classmate did what they could to make Kim more comfortable in the classroom. It was just like when Rose found out she was allergic to peanuts.

All peanuts were removed from the classroom, the threat eliminated.

Monkeys were treated the same way. 

It was nice, if it hadn't been entirely unnecessary. Kim wasn't afraid of anything. 

But he wasn't going to let anyone know. 

...

By the time Kim was 12, he was in it too deep.

Kim didn't fear monkeys, in fact, he thought they were cute, but he couldn't admit it at this point.

His entire class, his friends, his family, had believed that he had an irrational fear of monkeys for nearly 7 years. 

The class never talked about monkeys, even in science class, when speaking about evolution. Kim's "fear" was widely recognized and respected. 

It didn't come up much in conversation, but whenever monkeys were mentioned, Kim panicked. 

If he so much as heard the word monkey, he would bolt out of the classroom. 

Kim trained himself to shed tears at the mere mention of the word monkey. 

...

When Ladybug and Chat Noir first appeared, Kim thought that the universe was playing a joke on him.

He was supposed to be the hero. He was the Batman. 

He had pretended to be afraid of monkeys for his entire life, it couldn't all be in vain. 

Surely, a mistake had been made.

Chat Noir, the cool, suave hero was everything that Kim was supposed to be. 

Kim acted like he was afraid of monkeys. He was supposed to be a superhero.

...

On one particular class field trip to the zoo, Kim made an exceptionally big deal about the panther. He spent nearly all day staring at the majestic beast.

Challenging it to a fight.

It was all part of his plan.

He strategically avoided any of the monkeys, apes and other primates by looking at big cats and frogs for the duration of the field trip.

...

As more and more heroes appeared, Kim felt himself lose hope. What were the odds that a Bat miraculous existed? 

Maybe he wasn't special at all.

Maybe he had pretended to fear monkeys, for no reason at all. 

It was heartbreaking.

The next day at school, Kim decided, he wasn't going to be afraid of monkeys anymore.

Not that he had ever been afraid in the first place.

...

He didn't get the chance.

An akuma attacked sometime in the middle of the day, and Kim got separated from the rest of the class. 

He was stuck on a rooftop, a lone human in a sea of chaos.

Ladybug and Chat Noir were struggling to keep up, barely holding their ground in the battle of a lifetime.

And then they weren't.

Chat Noir got stuck, and Ladybug retreated.

After what seemed like an eternity she returned, with a miraculous in hand.

She looked at Kim, standing on a rooftop and hesitated. 

"Ladybug, I can help."

"I know." She bit her lip. "I think it has to be you."

"So, what are you waiting for?" He stepped forwards. "I can do this."

"Under any other circumstances, I wouldn't hesitate to throw you into the fight, but Kim-"

"Count me in."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." He held out his hand. "I've got this."

"Alright." Ladybug took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"Why would you be-" 

Kim put on the bracelet, activating the miraculous. 

A tiny, flying monkey appeared, floating in front of him.

Kim started crying on sight. 

Ladybug apologized, heavily.

Once Kim managed to steady his breathing, he transformed, and helped fight. 

They took down the akuma in record time.

And no one even suspected that Kim was King Monkey. 

How could the kid who feared monkeys possibly be a monkey-themed superhero?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not saying that I was scared of the winged monkeys in wizard of oz or the cgi kitchen-destroying monkeys in jumanji as a child but I am also not saying that I wasn't, so take that as you will.
> 
> ....
> 
> Sorry to everyone that was reading my nanowrimo fic, don't worry, its not abandoned, I just get easily distracted. I don't think it'll be 30 thousand words, but I should be able to finish it sometime in December.
> 
> In the meantime you get random one shots like this, which really is my favorite way to write. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Hey, do you read/write/art for this fandom? Check out the [ miraculous fanworks ](https://discord.gg/mlfanworks) discord server.


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